Sunday, August 31, 2008

What happens in Vegas...

Oh Baby. When I went to Las Vegas to see my little sister Brandy get married, who'd a thunk I'd have my very own celebrity wedding? Here's how it all went down....
My sisters and I were doing a little sexy picture posing in one of the hotels on the strip. Well, as we were taking photographs, a casting director for The Blue Man Group walked by.

He told us he had been searching for some hot sexy ladies such as ourselves to perform at the next show. It was a smashing performance. We brought the house down.

And as it turns out, Governor Schwarzenegger was in the audience that night. (He was relaxing a little before the Republican National Convention.) He was so impressed by my performance that he came backstage after the show and invited me to a party that night.

The party was filled with celebrities. I met Cameron Diaz, and it turns out we have a lot in common. (I mean, besides the fact that we're practically twins.) We swore to be best friends forever. She gave me half of her heart shaped BFF necklace, and we cut our fingers and rubbed them together so we could be blood sisters. Our bond will last forever, I'm sure.

All night at the party, Johnny Depp was totally coming on to me. Frankly, it was starting to get annoying, because he's hot and all, but I was getting tired of him telling me how great France was and asking me to run away with him to Paris. Finally, I gave him a peck on the cheek and told him it just wasn't going to work out for us. (That's why he looks so upset.) Later on that night, Brad and Angelina stopped by. I have to admit, I've had the hots for Brad for a really long time, so I took advantage of finally seeing him in person.

I mean it. I really did take advantage of finally seeing him in person...

He was totally enamored of me after that though. He likes aggressive women. (Hello? That's why he's shackin' up with Lara Croft!) Angelina only stayed at the party for a few minutes because she had an appointment to give a speech at the United Nations later. When she left, Brad found me at a VIP table and professed his undying love. He said that the way I nearly licked him when he walked into the room just set his heart soaring. He went on to tell me about all the arguments he and Angelina have been having over their interior decorating issues, and begging me to hop on his jet and fly away with him. Anywhere, just as long as he could be with me. I have to say, I seriously considered it, but after some soul searching I decided that I didn't want to be the one to come between Angie and Brad. I mean, come on! Think of the twins! So, our romance was not to be.

I was heartbroken for at least a half hour. But then I really did meet my true love. He and I locked eyes across the room and we didn't have to speak a word. We just knew. And we decided to get married.

That's when things started to get a little crazy. Al Roker came and interviewed me right away. You may have already seen the segment on "The Today Show".

The ceremony that night at the "Always and Forever Wedding Chapel" was beautiful, and so romantic. The inscription on my ring said, "I love you Sheyenne, always and forever. George."

After the ceremony we had an amazing reception. And I was surprised, although I shouldn't have been, that even as hasty as the wedding was, the paparazzi still managed to find us.

I was thrilled that Michael found time to come by and congratulate us. He even showed me some dance moves. (I'm still learning, okay?!?)

Our cake was scrumptious. George let me pick it out. And of course I chose chocolate everything!

The rest of the food was also divine. It was catered on such short notice by a celebrity chef friend of George's. The creme brulee was to die for.

The highlight of the evening was when Stevie Wonder serenaded us as we had our first dance. Later on, he invited me up to sing with him. It was awesome. And apparently he thought so too because he's invited me to do a duet with him on his next album. It'll be coming out sometime next summer. After a quick charity golf tournament the next day with Tiger Woods and some other golf guy, (George had already been signed up for a long time, and I wanted to support him), we jetted off to a private island. It's only me in this picture, because it was a private island, and George had to hold the camera. It was such a wonderful, unforgettable trip.

When we got back from our honeymoon, Oprah called. She wanted to be the first to interview me on my whirlwind romance with one of Hollywood's most sought after bachelors. That's how she said it, anyway. The show will be coming on soon. You can watch for it if you like. You'll probably miss it though, because you're so busy.

Unfortunately, though, since we've been back from the honeymoon, things have been pretty rocky. The paparazzi camped outside my house has been crazy, and I really think I'm more of a private person. I don't think I'm cut out for celebrity marriage after all. (Plus, I haven't told Dario yet, and the nerves about that are killing me.) So I've made a decision. I'm filing annulment papers tomorrow. I ask that you respect our privacy during this difficult time. Thank you.

It's the principle of the thing

I received this check in the mail the other day. It took a lot of time, energy, and frustration to get this check, and even though it turns out to be less than minimum wage, when I pulled it out of the envelope I was very happy. It's difficult to see, but on the top green portion it says "PYMNT REFUND BBB". The "BBB" stands for Better Business Bureau, which is one of the parties I had to contact in order to get this five dollars. In fact, I made 4 phone calls and wrote 2 letters to secure this measly payment. But it was worth it in my mind, because of the principle of the thing.

Long story short- When I ended my service with Green Mountain Energy to switch to another less expensive (but still green), power company, they sent me a final bill. At the bottom of the bill it said in big bold letters, "DO NOT PAY THIS INVOICE". It said that because I was set up on an automatic payment plan, and had all payments charged each month to my credit card. I was surprised some time later with a call from a collection agency, which Green Mountain had turned me over to for nonpayment of my final bill. They threatened me with damaged credit if I didn't immediately pay by phone, and also pay their $5 pay-by-phone fee. After contacting Green Mountain, and speaking to a representative and a supervisor, and being told "too bad", in so many words, even after they acknowledged that a mistake was made on their part, I got really mad. It was only $5 extra that I was asked to pay, and it didn't hurt me financially in any way, but I am so darn tired of lousy service everywhere I turn that I decided to do something about it. So I wrote to the Better Business Bureau. And then I wrote to the Public Utility Commission of Texas. I spent time, effort, and postage because I was that ticked off. And apparently that's what it takes to get these people's attention, because lo and behold, here's my $5 check. And I will cash it with glee.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Quotable quotes from Roman

"Mom, your legs hurt!"
As he ran his hand up my leg. I hadn't shaved in a while.
And after seeing his brother and sister losing teeth and being rewarded with a visit from the tooth fairy. (Or a bribe from me.)
"Mom, can you knock a tooth out?"
(then opens his mouth for me to do the deed)
And this one here gives me hope that someday my hard work caring for my children will be rewarded...
We were in the bathroom and I was helping him, and this was the conversation:
Me: "Roman, when are you going to be big enough to wipe your
own butt?"
Roman: "Um, when I'm older. And then I'll wipe your butt!"